Wow, I just finished reading the most hysterical article I've ever come across.  It's kinda old, but the subject was so un-noteworthy that I'm not surprised I didn't know about it.  Many will have heard of this event, but some won't have so I'll rehash it here.  Namely, it involved two things:  1) The Worst Director of All Time, German-born Uwe Boll and 2) his inflated ego that could possibly put Lucifer's to shame.

What I'm referring to is an article that was written recounting the event where Mr. Boll actually did what many in the industry would like to do.  Back in 2006, Boll challenged his worst critics to, believe it or not, a fist fight.  And in a spark of fortune, he beat them.  All of them.  Now, despite the claims of Boll misleading them or lack of training time, and so forth, Boll beat the snot out of his critics (even sending one to the hospital in serious condition) and then thanked and praised them for showing up.  At least he's classy after he trounces someone.

My thoughts after reading this were: 1) Would Uwe Boll ever fight someone who didn't have any clout or power in the critics world? and 2) Could I, Jarod Warren, actually beat the man in a straight up fight?

Ah, now comes the fun part.  Thanks to this newfangeld tool called the internet which could actually connect me to the "Nightmare from West Germany", the "Raging" Boll himself, I would like to throw him a challenge.  I, Jarod Warren, being nobody with no influence or stature of any kind, challenge the Boll Weevil himself to a fight.  And I don't fight for money or fame, but for one thing.  Justice.  I would fight for the justice of American Cinema.  I would fight for every American who ever sat through one of his films, bootlegged or not.  I would fight for everyone who cannot stand this worthless, waste-of-time filmmaker with a penchant of butchering licenses and then blaming the license owners for the failure of the film in the box office.  I would fight for everyone lacking the voice to scream at the Heavens that God must intervene on this abomination wrought upon the Earth by Hell itself.  I would fight just for the sincere pleasure of whupping his lopsided, West German-ass in an Octagon.

Now, I know Mr. Boll is actually a pretty decent fighter.  Not MMA quality for sure, but the guy can hold his own.  I know myself, that while I'm in no shape to be MMA anything, and I have very little formal training, I'm no slouch and can throw down quite handily if necessary, like if I have something to really fight for, like the dignity of the American Film Industry.  I simply would have 3 stipulations for this epic bout:

1) Pre-Fight Bonus (I do need the money to train and pay my rent.  Oh and to buy the custom heavy bag with Boll's face emblazoned on it)

2) 6 Weeks Minimum (training of course, gotta get back my fighting stamina)

3) Win Bonus (Just because I'd deserve it after all the smack-talk he laid down to others who don't care about him, like calling Michael Bay and Eli Roth "retards")

Now, this "dream fight" would obviously never happen.  Boll has nothing to gain and I have nothing to lose here, aside from a straight nose and attached retinas.  However, I think Boll does have something to lose.  He fought people with influence.  He fought people with a voice of their own.  I have neither for I represent all those who lack such things.  Could he fight a man who stands for millions, instead of a man with a well-read column?  I think not!  Coward, I call him!  Or Feigling, should he ever read this.

Anywho, in closing, it's a wonderful pipe dream.  And who knows, maybe it could happen.  Maybe you'd see me in the Octagon with the "Raging" Boll himself, advertisements for all his schlock, cinematographic nightmares come true surrounding us, Americans movie-goers on one side, the crew of Boll KG on the other.  Keep your ears to the ground!  The man Michael Bay himself calls "a very, very sad man" may just show up to feed his enormous id.  And I for one, would be happy to show it to the Cheese and Knuckle Sandwich Buffet!

-JW

I'm Jarod Warren and I approve this blog.  Paid for by the sponsors of People Who Really, Really, Really, can't stand that idiot Uwe Boll.